Stay at home mama

I honestly never thought I would want to be a full time stay at home mom. I graduated college, got a job at a big fashion house (hello dream job!) and managed to start my own business. I've worked so hard could I ever just give it all up? But the first moment I held my son I knew I was never going to be able to let go. How could I not be there for every single moment of his life?  It's funny how everything just sort of melts away when you look into your child's eyes for the first time. But reality eventually did set in and back to work it was.  

The first day back was torture in fact they all were. For me it didn't any get easier as time went by. In fact it got worse. The older my son got the more I felt I missed. I think I spent more time wondering if he was ok than I did concentrating on actual work. What if something happens and I'm not there to comfort him? Are the babysitters going to have the same cat like reflexes I do when he begins to choke?  I went through every possible worst case scenario in my head. I was literally driving myself crazy. 

Needless to say I didnt last, and I am now a full time stay at home Mom. And with that brings a whole new set of challenges. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have it any other way. I know how fortunate I am to even have the option to be a stay at home parent. I have friends who would do anything to be able to stay at home with their children. And I get it it's awesome. But it's easy to feel powerless and guilty about not contributing financially.  The first time I bought something new for myself I asked my husbands permission. Not because he said I needed to in fact he was like "uh yea buy whatever you want, why are you asking me?" I was just too in my head. "I think I think too much" is very fitting here. 

I also have reservations about losing too much of myself. Eventually my children will grow up and have lives of their own, and will I know who I am without being a full time Mom?  Do I have an identity and sense of self outside of Mom? 

It's really been hard for me to take time for myself.  I feel like I'm not doing my "job". I've learned the hard way though, if I don't take care of myself how do I expect to take care of anyone else?  Being a parent is a 24 hour 7 day a week job, and being a stay at home parent can make it feel even longer. You're always "on". 

People talk all the time about the importance of finding balance, and they're not kidding. It's the key to having it all I'm convinced, not to mention saving your sanity.  I have to stop expecting perfection in everything (As a Virgo this was a very hard concept for me to grasp).  I can't be the perfect wife, mother, homemaker 100% of the time but maybe just 90% of the time. Save that extra little time for myself and get back to being me...hey at the end of the day 90% is still an A and I'm ok with that. 

-written by Mama Tribe blogger, Laura

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